Back To Square One
by coxcomb
Summary: Tohma checks in on Yuki after Shuichi leaves. Just a short thing. T for language.


_A/N: I can't think of an author's note to write other than I didn't give this to my beta so all mistakes are my own fault_

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Tohma could only stare at the blonde man slumped on the sofa. He was used to seeing him like this, sure. However, ever since Shuichi had given up on him, he seemed to have reverted back to his previous state. He never liked Shuichi but he did respect the kid. After all, he had turned his emotionless brother in-law into something that was at least human.

Now, he was just back to the person he had been and although Tohma supported him no matter what, even he had agreed when Mika had said he was a changed man. He was surprised how easy it had been to knock Yuki back down.

"Shuichi asked after you today," he said, placing his cup back in its saucer and sliding it onto the coffee table. He was late for a meeting but he had to see him, if only just to see that he was still alive and breathing.

Yuki cradled his whiskey and simply continued to take drags on his cigarette, filling the air before the pair with smoke. He had either not heard Tohma or had chosen to ignore him.

"He hoped you were feeling okay. He knows how the winter treats you."

Yuki's expression remained unchanged by Tohma's words.

"Mika is concerned about you."

"Let her be," Yuki mumbled, downing his drink and pushing the glass next to the cup and saucer. A coaster was the last thing on his mind right now.

Tohma regarded his friend for a moment, noticing the pained look in his eyes as he opened them slightly. They looked red, as if he might have been crying at one point but he wouldn't ask and Yuki would never tell.

He could tell he had been the only person to visit since Shuichi had left. Either people were too scared or Yuki had succeeded in pushing everyone that cared about him away. He was inclined to think it was the latter, rather than the former, despite people's fears of the writer.

"How long do you plan on being like this?"

Yuki stubbed out his cigarette in the overflowing ashtray that rested on the seat next to him. Silently, he got to his feet and padded over to the fridge and took out a can of beer, the bottles of whiskey empty. He took his seat once again, cracking open the can and taking a sip.

"I…" He took in a deep breath, looking down at the floor. Looking at his feet. He couldn't remember when he had last taken a bath or a shower. He wasn't dirty though, he just felt it.

"I'm here for you," Tohma said, reaching over to his brother-in-law and placing his hand on his shoulder, knocking the ashtray down as he moved. Neither went to pick it up.

"I bought him a ring," he said meekly, a tone Tohma was not used to hearing in his friend's voice. "I was going to ask him to…"

"Marry you?"

"That's not the correct term," Yuki snapped, turning and glaring at Tohma, forcing his hand from his body before he slumped back down again. "But yes, if that's what you are going to call it."

Tohma's gaze softened as he continued to edge closer to the younger man.

"I wanted him in my life. As much as I tried to deny it to others and myself. I wanted him to be here forever." Yuki took a gulp of his beer, a trickle of liquid running down his chin. He didn't bother to wipe it away. "I was going to take him to Paris this summer. Make a picnic. Do something he would feel comfortable with…"

Tohma reached over and used the cuff of his blazer to dab his brother's chin. It hurt him to see him like this. He had seen so many variations of Yuki's pain over the years but this was his worst. He felt so helpless, watching a man of such composure fall apart over another person.

"I could never formulate the correct ways to tell him or show him how I felt. I always hoped he could tell, despite the amount of times he had told me he didn't understand my 'mind games'." He paused, facing Tohma, a layer of unshed tears coating his eyes. "I was such a coward, afraid of exposing myself to another human in such a way and when I finally did…"

He closed his eyes tightly, a lone tear falling down his left cheek. He pulled his legs up and curled into a foetal position on the couch, his head on Tohma's knee.

"Too little too late?" Tohma asked, lacing his fingers through his brother's hair. It felt limp and dry, a perfect representation of his Yuki felt. It had given up too.

Yuki nodded, hugging his knees tighter. He felt a pang of pain in his back. He hadn't curled up in such a long time. He wanted to hide from the world. He wanted a black hole to swallow him up so he could just disappear.

"Maybe there is something you could do?"

Yuki shook his head, his teeth chattering as he felt more tears accompany the singular one. "I tried. The one person I thought that would never give up on me…"

"Gave up," Tohma finished his sentence for him. He had seen this coming but all he could do was watch from afar. Yuki was his own worst enemy and no one had ever been able to stop his habit of self-sabotage.

"I just want to hold him again. I never thought that damn brat would do this to me."

Tohma held in a laugh but couldn't stop a smile from gracing his face. "Maybe you shouldn't have kept calling him that. You could have used his name," he said with a light tone.

Yuki stretched his limbs out and sat up. He took his packet of cigarettes and took one out, placing it between his lips, leaving it unlit as he locked eyes with Tohma, a false smile on his face.

"I'm sorry, I really am. But there will be others," Tohma said, standing up and grabbing his coat from the back of the sofa.

"I've had others. He was the one."

Tohma sighed deeply, looking down at his watch. He was already over half an hour late and by the way Yuki was relaxing back into the couch and the position Tohma found him in, Yuki knew Tohma had somewhere else to be.

He shrugged on his coat and started walking towards the hallway.

"I fucked up, didn't I?" Yuki asked, finally lighting his cigarette.

Tohma shot him a sympathetic smile before he turned back to leave. Casting a glance over his shoulder, he placed his hat on his head and said, "You did," before exiting.


End file.
